Poser la pêche
Text in French: Maé Biedermann, Drawings: Shannon Sweeney
HOW TO TAKE A SHIT IN THE MOUNTAINS
For a ski resort to operate, the mountain is dotted with chairlift pylons, snow cannons are everywhere, and ski runs are shaped with bulldozers. Hotels, transportation, restaurants, and ski lifts: everything is set up to make mountain access as easy as possible. All your basic needs are met, including the most basic. You’ll find toilets on every corner, in restaurants, or at mountaintop cafeterias - sometimes perched as high as 3,800 meters. But during a backcountry hike far from the comforts of a ski resort, answering nature’s call becomes a trickier task. Knuckle Mag brings you a guide for an enjoyable high-altitude pooping experience in the great, untouched outdoors.
Ah, the mountains - a magical escape. Losing yourself in your thoughts in a sublime setting, taking a deep breath of fresh air. I exhale. I inh… And suddenly, an offensive stench wafts up my nose. Looking down, I see the unspeakable. Less than a meter from the trail, the ground is littered with feces and toilet paper smeared with the same. So, what should you do when the nearest toilet is hours away? Because yes, answering nature’s call can pollute too. Urine may contain traces of medication, hormones, and food additives. Its high nitrogen content disrupts the delicate balance of our plant friends. And as for feces, they carry your viruses, bacteria, and parasites.
Beginner level: Step away from water sources and cover your gift
We owe everything to nature. It gives us water, food, and room to flourish in its mountains. In return, the most generous among us might offer back some carbon-rich matter to nourish the soil. But as the kind soul you are, remember to step at least 70 meters away from the nearest water source. To reduce visual and olfactory impact—and to help your freshly deposited sculpture decompose - cover it up with a rock or some dirt whenever possible. Burying your poop is one of the best gifts you can give Mother Nature. A little shovel goes a long way.
Intermediate level: Go south and spread the masterpiece
In winter, a thick blanket of snow often makes burying your treasure impossible. To avoid digging a trench worthy of the Great War, there’s an alternative: poop on south-facing slopes. This way, your droppings will undergo several freeze-thaw cycles before being exposed as the snow melts. By then, decomposition will already be underway. Another variation of this method is carefully spreading your work. Known as “criping,” this practice increases exposure to ultraviolet rays, which act as natural decomposers.
Advanced level: Pack out your paper
It’s common to leave used toilet paper behind in nature, but it takes about a year for a tissue to decompose fully. To avoid this visual and ecological disaster, there’s only one viable solution: pack out your paper in a Ziploc bag until you reach the nearest trash bin. While this technique might gross you out at first, you’ll eventually get the hang of it and carry your used paper with as much enthusiasm as your dried figs!
Expert level: Bring it all back
This technique is for the truly seasoned adventurer. Once your freshly baked offering is out, you pick it up and pack it out to the nearest bin. After all, why should the rules for dog waste be stricter than those for our own? Especially when ours are loaded with Basel's finest chemicals and all sorts of additives. A small plastic bag is all it takes. But imagine this: after a grueling 4-hour ascent, you arrive at a breathtaking windlip and launch into a spectacular backflip with just a bit too much gusto. Over-rotating, you land flat on your back, squashing your precious package, which bursts. That’s why this technique is strictly for the most ambitious of us, the crème de la crème.
For the little job, it’s the same principle. You can bring back your liquid contributions in a small bottle - just be sure not to confuse it with your organic lemon balm, chamomile, and wildflower tea, even if the flavors are surprisingly similar.
BONUS: Construction site toilets on glaciers
What could be better than paying 95 francs, waiting an hour in a crowded gondola, arriving at 3,800 meters on a glacier that closes at 1 PM, only to suddenly feel the urge for a big job? Many will forgo their last runs, fearing that a 270° off the flat rail might be one push too far, and head back to the mountaintop restaurant for relief. But off in the distance, a white-and-blue shape stands out against the glacier’s gray expanse. You approach, thinking it’s a miracle - but no, it’s a Toi-Toi! That plastic haven of last resort.
Amid puddles and stray paper, you maneuver toward this bluish pit of despair. In a squatting position, you hover as best you can above the seat, stomach knotted with fear of slipping, thanks to your completely worn-out Full Tilt boots with zero gripwalk left. It’s the pinnacle of the outdoor experience.
Pro tip from the editors: In autumn, Swiss glacier toilets are flown back to the valley via helicopter. Take advantage of a distracted ski patroller to sneak into the Toi-Toi and enjoy a free flight over the Matterhorn amid the accumulated fumes of a summer’s worth of glacier skiing.